Have You Jaked-off Today? Learn to Speak Jakeover

Definition: Jake-off - v. 1. To workout or exercise. 2. To eat nutritious foods. 3. To engage in healthy behavior.
n. 1. A client of the Jakeover. 2. A healthy, fit individual.


- I had grilled chicken for dinner, and egg whites for breakfast.
Translation: I Jaked-off last night, and I Jaked-off this morning too.

- I've been running on the treadmill for an hour and I still have miles to go.
Translation: I've been Jaking-off for an hour and I still can't finish.

- That girl had some toned glutes so I hired her to be my personal trainer.
Translation: That girl had a tight ass so I let her Jake me off.

- All of the junk food in my kitchen got thrown out by my nutritionist!
Translation: I just got robbed by some f***ing Jake-off!

- I did yoga in my bed this morning.
Translation: I Jaked-off all over my sheets.

- My mom gave me candy but saw me eating carrots instead.
Translation: My mom just caught me Jaking-off.

- My workout partners are tired, I'll just go home and workout alone.
Translation: These girls are beat, I'll just go home and Jake-off by myself.

- If you won't let me eat the colorful Mexican dish, the least you could do is steam me some vegetables.
Translation: If you won't let me eat the pink taco, the least you could do is Jake me off.

- "Everybody Loves Raymond" was playing at my gym so I watched it while lifting weights.
Translation: I Jaked off to Ray Romano.


~ Body Jakeover, Have you Jaked-off today?

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No Pecs, No Sex

Fitness needs diet like dating needs sex. Think about it. If you date someone, without ever getting laid, you're pretty much wasting your time right? All that hard work, and no benefits? Fitness is the same way. If you spend hours in the gym, without ever eating appropriately, those hard spent hours are going to waste.

I see it all the time. People in the gym, probably more often then I even go, busting their ass, but still looking like they haven't gotten laid in years. The problem is, most people don't know WHEN and HOW to eat with regard to their workouts, so they never get the results that they want, no matter how hard they try. Now I can't buy hookers for everyone, but I can tell you this; Follow this routine and watch your muscles grow:

- Pre-workout snack - Utilize COMPLEX CARBS for energy (fruit smoothie, yogurt, whole grains, etc.)
- WORKOUT
- Post-workout meal - Utilize PROTEIN to repair and build muscle (eggs, chicken, fish, lean beef, etc.)

You: But Jake, shouldn't I eat a full meal BEFORE the gym? That way, I'll burn it off when I work out.
Me: Stop talking.

You need to eat a meal centered around a protein, within 1 hour AFTER working out. This is when your metabolic rate is at its highest. Also, when you workout, you're essentially damaging your body, causing little micro-tears in your muscles and losing valuable nutrients through sweating. In order to repair these damages and replenish these nutrients, you need to eat protein, as well as fruits/veggies on the side. This whole damaging and repairing process is how muscle is built.

Without a proper diet and routine, you can work out as much as you want but you'll never get as lean and tone, or as jacked as you truly want to be, and you will be left frustrated, just like when you spend countless time and dollars to wine and dine a girl, only to be kicked to the curb without ever reaping any of the benefits. I mean, c'mon, you're really going to order the lobster and then just bounce? Either get the salmon or pay for your own damn lobster. That is all.

~ Body Jakeover, GET SEXY

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Versace Doesn't Make Birthday Suits

So you're thin, you run on the treadmill 3,4,5 times a week, AND you're eating right, yet you still aren't getting the magazine cover results that you want? Girls, sure you can fit into size 2 jeans, and guys, sure you can wear the slim fit suits....but when the clothes come off, the show's over. I mean, have you ever really examined the body of someone who JUST runs excessively for exercise? They kind of look like they just escaped from a refugee camp. When it comes to my clients, rocking the slim fit suit is NOT enough...they have to be able to rock the birthday suit too. So what's the deal?

Well, the deal is, while cardio is great, and I'm NOT knocking cardio, it is only ONE aspect of sexy, and it can only get you so far. You see, when you run on a treadmill for an hour, you may burn 500+ calories. But, when you step off the treadmill, you're done burning calories. So, when you go home and park your ass on the couch to watch Jersey Shore, your ass is NOT burning calories anymore. Meanwhile, while I'm sitting on my couch watching Jersey Shore, I'm actually burning calories. How?! No, I am not fist pumping in my living room. The reason I'm burning calories by doing practically nothing is because the muscle raises my metabolism, and basically burns the calories for me.

Explanation - Scientifically speaking, muscle cells have twice the metabolic activity of fat cells. Think of it this way...A Honda Civic can go much, much further on a tank of gas than a Ferrari, right? This is because the Ferrari has a bigger engine and more "muscle", so it burns way more fuel, aka, "calories". Now what would you rather drive? A Ferrari or a Civic? Unless you're a 14 year old asian kid, you probably said Ferrari.

Solution - Build LEAN muscle! No need to get jacked, just lean, tone muscle. How? Core strengthening, resistance training, weight lifting, boxing/kickboxing, pilates, etc. Switch it up! Because a skinny body looks good in jeans, but a lean, muscular body looks good NAKED! And if you're lousy in the sack like I am, hey, at least you look good.

~ Body Jakeover, GET SEXY

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You Don't Have to Trade in the Six Pack for a Six Pack

So I've been getting a ton of inquiries lately about how to party and still stay fit. Most diets will tell you, "NO Drinking". I'm a little more realistic, so I know that this is never an option, at least not for me. And what better time for a quick boozing lesson than right before NYE? So here goes, the Jakeover guide to drinking. NOTE: This is NOT a ticket to go drinking all the time and not gain weight. This is just a way to minimize the damage done, so that you can bounce back fairly easily with a few good workouts.

Beer:
If you need to have a heady beer or a Guiness, etc., make it the first/second one. Maaaayybe even the third one. But just realize that these types of beers contain tons of carbs and calories. So, if you're going to binge drink this NYE, you'll want to switch it to light beer, because after a certain point, you're just drinking to get drunk right?

- Michelob Ultra - This is your best bet, coming in at only 2.6 carbs per serving. Guys, you may get made fun of by other guys for drinking one, but when the girls are caressing your abs on the dance floor, they won't make fun anymore. Trust me on this one.
- Miller Lite - If no Michelob Ultra, Miller Lite is your next best bet, coming in at only 3.2 carbs per serving. Served everywhere and you don't have to be embarassed to drink it.
- Coors Light/Amstel Light/Heinken Light - These all come in at 5.0 carbs per serving. If you're one of those people that need a really good tasting light beer that's not too watered down, go with Amstel Light or Heineken Light. They have the same amount of carbs as a Coors Light, but much better taste in my opinion.
- Bud Light - AVOID. This "light" beer comes in at 6.6 carbs per serving, which means that only one Bud Light already contains more than DOUBLE the amount of carbs as a Miller Lite. I don't care if there is a happy hour special on Bud Lights, spend the extra dollar and buy a Miller, because a couple of love handles are NOT worth a couple of saved bucks.

Liquor:
Rule of thumb - You want to keep it clear. Clear liquors like vodka and gin are your best bets here, as they contain the least amount of calories, with none of the sugars that other liquors have. However, the most important thing to remember is not so much what liquor you're drinking, but more so, what you're drinking WITH the liquor. The juices, sodas, sour mixes, and yes, even tonics, contain high amounts of sugar and calories, and are the culprits when it comes to weight gain after drinking mixed drinks. Man up and drink it straight, or mix it with club soda and put in a lime or lemon twist. It may be rough at first, but this right here is the difference between wearing skinny jeans, and ROCKING skinny jeans.

Wine/Champagne:
Wine is good because it contains antioxidants, but just realize that wine and champagne contain a substantial amount of calories. I generally don't have that big of a problem with these because a couple glasses of wine from time to time is not a big deal, and champagne is usually only brought out on special occasions, such as NYE. Even yours truly will indulge in a little champagne this New Year's. Of course, I make up for it in the gym, and so should you. Otherwise, the daily glasses of wine at night could be why your ass needs to take up two seats on the subway.

So there you have it, the Jakeover guide to drinking. Keep it light, keep it clear, keep it clean, and keep it up at the gym to compensate for these empty calories. IMPORTANT: While this may alleviate some of the guilt caused by binge drinking, it will not alleviate any of the guilt caused by hooking up with someone who is far less attractive than you in a drunken stupor ;) Happy New Years!

~Body Jakeover

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Put Down the Banana Bread and Put on the Banana Hammock

You're in the grocery store, you go for the white bread, but then you envision yourself at the beach in your bathing suit and go for the whole wheat bread instead. Now before you go patting yourself on the back, understand that going from white bread to wheat bread is pretty much like going from a D- to a D+ on a test....one may be a little better than the other, but they're both still pretty bad. Confused?

Although your intentions were good, when you read the labels of both breads, you'll find that they are both made with ENRICHED flour. Enriched is a fancy word for "processed", and "processed" is a fancy word for "this kind of food will make you fat". In short, your body doesn't recognize processed foods because they are not natural, so in order to deal with this so called "food", your body digests it and turns it into blood sugar (glucose) so fast that it causes a spike in your insulin levels, signaling to your body that it has enough energy and can just store the glucose as opposed to burning it. If you paid any attention in Health class, you know that unburned sugar turns to what? FAT!

Solution: Switch to 100% Whole GRAIN bread. You'll know it's 100% if you read the label and it says 100% WHOLE GRAIN. Whole grains are more natural and digest much slower than more processed foods. So if you're eating bread and the label says "enriched" flour, then you might as well score a D on your next test. But if you make the switch to 100% Whole Grain, then you've earned yourself a A+.

~ Body Jakeover, GET SEXY

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Puttin' in Work, After Puttin' in Work

So you just had a loooong stressful day at work and all you can think about is getting home to do what you love most....nothing. But yet, those love handles aren't getting any smaller and you still want to keep a healthy lifestyle. Now I know that the sweat pants and glass of wine on your comfy couch seem enticing after a long day of work, followed by the bad reality show and ultimately the power nap....but here's a trick. When you get home from work, don't immediately change into your home clothes (ie: sweat pants, college tee and bunny slippers). Instead, stay in your work clothes while you take a load off and transition into the later half of your day. Staying in your work clothes will make you less likely to pass out on the couch and wake up wishing you would've just sucked it up and went to the gym. Then, right when you're ready to get that workout in, change into your gym clothes and head out the door. You'll be glad you did. Trust me, even I have the urge to sometimes sprawl out on my couch and just call it a night, but I'm sure as hell not doing it in a pressed shirt and pair of dress slacks.

~ Body Jakeover, GET SEXY

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See You at the Gym

So most of you guys have shunned me over the past few months, neglecting the gym and endulging in your holiday cookies, but guess what!? That's right! Winter is coming to an end and Spring is right around the corner. And while you may finally be able to ride your car with the top down, there are some spare tires that a mechanic just can't fix. So what will you do now that you no longer have a bulky sweater to hide under?

Well, for the 5% of you that have been eating right and voyaging through the mounds of snow just to get in a good workout, your time has come to show off what you worked for all winter long. For the other 95% of you, I first have to say, "I told you so!" Now that I got that out of my system, it's time to get serious and take advantage of that gym membership you bought as part of your New Year's resolution but only used for the first two weeks of January. Now remember, getting back into the rhythm is the hardest part. Once you get a routine going, it will become second nature. So what the hell are you waiting for?! C'mon people, those calories aren't going to burn themselves off!

~ Body Jakeover, GET SEXY

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